At the moment I’m doing rather well. I manage to say “no” to anything I decide not to eat. I manage to tell myself, that although I may be hungry now, it is worth it. I know that I am losing weight. It feels good to finally be doing what I want and not what other people expect me to.
But why am I too afraid to step on the scale?
I will try sunday morning.
Besides the fact that I am enjoying my regained strength to simply say no, I’m afraid that I may take it too far again. I’ve managed keeping a “safe weight” for a while before… I hope I can this time.
Of course I sometimes felt fat and ugly, didn’t want people to see me, although I wasn’t. I just couldn’t always see that I was underweight, even though still on a safe-ish side… Sometimes it all caved in and I thought I had to lose more, although that would have seriously endangered me.
Then I was unhappy…
But remembering all the times I could see my figure the way it was, that I was being good to my body at least a tiny bit…
When the will to not endanger myself with this madness over came the will to lose weight, I was happy.
I’m afraid that I may shoot past that point. That it may take over me, that I will endanger myself and not even sometimes be able to see what I really look like.
Because I know I more often see myself much larger than I am. And I know that it is my psyche which produces that image in my brain and that it has nothing to do with the reality…
But I also know, that I can control it far less than I wish I could.
I’m afraid…
